Shame
I learned in youth to give my time
To any crisis near
And now to take some for myself
I struggle through deep fear:
Fear that life will fall apart,
Fear I’ll be to blame
If in my absence things go wrong -
So everyday’s the same:
I say my piece of truth aloud
And inevitably
Someone says “You’ve got it wrong”
And my soul must agree.
For if I do not give my all,
If something I hold back,
The other person’s justified
In calling out that lack.
I do not see why I should live
At someone else’s whim.
Perhaps one day I will escape,
But chances there are slim,
For my abuser is not he
Who labors by my side.
He’s in my head, a shaming voice
With roots spread deep and wide.
Now that you know the fear and shame,
The punishment inside,
My feeble stab at confidence
Do not mistake for pride.
2018
To any crisis near
And now to take some for myself
I struggle through deep fear:
Fear that life will fall apart,
Fear I’ll be to blame
If in my absence things go wrong -
So everyday’s the same:
I say my piece of truth aloud
And inevitably
Someone says “You’ve got it wrong”
And my soul must agree.
For if I do not give my all,
If something I hold back,
The other person’s justified
In calling out that lack.
I do not see why I should live
At someone else’s whim.
Perhaps one day I will escape,
But chances there are slim,
For my abuser is not he
Who labors by my side.
He’s in my head, a shaming voice
With roots spread deep and wide.
Now that you know the fear and shame,
The punishment inside,
My feeble stab at confidence
Do not mistake for pride.
2018